On the political front in this year’s upcoming U.S. Presidential election – a ceremonial feast that traditionally offers up a main course of beef or chicken; the political pundits of both major political parties, along with the main stream media, and a confused general electorate are having a difficult time accepting the fact that this year’s Presidential spread may extend to voters a totally different carte du jour: Manhattan Sugar Cured Ham or a slab of Aged Vermont Tofu.
The American voter has grown tired of the tough Republican roast beef or the baked Democrat rubber chicken which are traditionally served up every leap year at the Presidential election banquet. Voters no longer want to be force fed the party elitist’s hand massaged main course variety; a loyal party die-hard whom has waited patiently for his or her turn to represent the party as the center piece on the banquet table. Because of both party’s highbrowed approach, attitude, and control of the selection process for their final Presidential nominee, voters are revolting – in mass. And this year, it appears their protest will be heard.
However; the beef and chicken lobbyist are a strong and defiant power source. They hope to turn the massive tide of public rebellion, an outcry demanding change in the status quo, back to the norm. Washington’s Establishment Republicans have put out a warning, a cautionary notice to its misguided grassroots patrons in a desperate effort to regain control of the political process. The omen: the majority of American voters really dislike ham. It’s a meat which is offensive to many voters. Its taste can be gamey. Its sugary baste holds no nutritional value. It’s sticky! It’s messy. It’s a backwoods’ entree only appreciated by the most uneducated, unsophisticated, and uninformed voter. In the end the establishment cautions, a vote for ham is a wasted vote. By a considerable margin, national polls show an informed health conscience general public consistently prefers even salmonella laced chicken over fatty, overcooked, salty ham. If Republicans end up offering ham at the banquet, the majority of voters will opt for the chicken. And America will suffer the ill effects for having selected and consumed that tainted piece of poultry – a choice which could prove fatal to the Constitution and our American way of life.
But not so fast Mr. Lincoln, Democrats have their own storm brewing. Though the party would never willingly admit that their chicken is contaminated (Dem loyalist blame the rumor on a right wing conspiracy spread by those Chick-fil-a billboard cows), the vegetarian wing of the party is demanding change – and a Vermont Independent may be their savior. This Independent is neither beef, poultry, pork, nor fish! He’s meatless! And he’s non-dairy! Plus he’s proud of it! He’s not in your mother’s cookbook; or in her little box of family favorite recipes. He’s never found in a Fourth of July hotdog bun. And a Norman Rockwell painting has never featured him as the centerpiece on the traditional American family’s holiday table. Meat lovers view him as an impersonator – a threat to customary American values. However to tofu lovers and the spoiled “we love freebies” American youth, he offers a clear path for the fulfillment of their hopes and dreams. Free education! Free health care! Free childcare! Minimum wages at a professional’s pay scale! Redistribution of wealth through burdensome taxation on the ‘haves’ and tax incentives and giveaways for the ‘have-nots’! With all of this promised assistance and liberal subsidies for the economically depressed and racially persecuted being funded through the excessive wealth hoarded by the privileged and despicable American-Anglophile social caste!
So with the Democratic presidential candidates feather boxing their way through the state primary elections and caucuses, the offensive, foul odor and sickening decay permeating from their preordained cut of poultry grows to the point in which the obvious can no longer be ignored. A menu change must be made! The Democrat hierarchy will have little choice but to embrace their artificially favored tofu “chicken” patty and dress him up in a bed of potatoes and carrots: then force a smile as they place him on the banquet table as the Democrat main course option.
And then on the second Tuesday of a leap year in November with the political smoke cleared; the American voter could be faced with choosing between a slice of fatty, sugar cured pork butt or a tasteless, vegan tofu cake – which if you close your eyes and chew, taste just like chicken?
So with that thought in mind America, come Election Day, which will it be – Ham or Tofu?