Corned Beef, Anyone?

The American voter tends to like a “meat and potatoes” sort of flavor in their Presidential candidates. But with the current field of Republican candidates, the voters are left to ask that old familiar question from days gone by, “Where’s the beef?”
No one has the sizzle of the steak, the earthly aroma of a pot roast, or the tempting flavor of a slow cook brisket. When you put all the GOP candidates together, you have the making of a real nice gumbo. When you throw ‘em all in the pot, you find a lot of intense flavor. But none have enough substance to stand alone as the main course of a winning GOP meal ticket.
1) Mitt Romney is the turkey breast of the field. He’s the healthy choice of the Republican establishment. The GOP leadership feels that Romney has the best “eye appeal” when presented on the GOP General Election platter. But turkey can be dry, bland, and makes one sleepy – kind of like the tough old broiled GOP flank steak which voters were served up last election. Those tiny bites of Alaska salmon tossed on to garnish the previous election could not help enhance that leftover piece of low grade cut that was offered. Plus Romney’s position on the issues has changed and gone through the grinder so many times, his appearance is more like a stack of turkey sausages than the true festive Thanksgiving bird.
2) For a moment, we were lead to believe that the beef could be found in Herman Cain. He had the “down home” smell of a Sunday pot roast. But when the lid was lifted from the pot, we found only potatoes, carrots and onions – but no roast meat – just Godfather pizza toppings. His foreign affairs knowledge was leaner than a strip of fat back. Then when someone yelled, “There’s a hair in my meal!” everyone pushed their plate away and got up from the table – hair or no hair.
3) Texas brisket was prophesied with Rick Perry’s arrival. But when he hit the debate cooker, he suddenly smelled of fried catfish. And while a fried catfish fillet makes a fine meal; it falls apart when cooked over high heat, then tossed and flipped in the GOP debate cast iron skillet before being given a through examination on both sides. For the devote catfish lover, a big pile of fried catfish hash is still a plate of good eats; but the sight of this scrambled mush has no appeal to those who have never tried it. There’s no Texas brisket to be found in this Texan – just flaky fish.
4) Michele Bachmann turned out to be peanut butter. A peanut and jelly sandwich is fine comfort food which you love to know is out there as an option. And while peanut butter is one of the more nutritious foods around, it’s not going to fill you up – and some have a severe reaction when exposed to the substance. Peanut butter goes well in many recipes, but it’s never going beyond the office lunch sack.
5) Huntsman, Santorum, and Paul are merely garnish which can be used with the main course when it is finally prepared by the GOP chiefs. They are the little pickles, olives, and pearl onions left scattered about the holiday meat and cheese tray after the true substance has been consumed. They help enhance the appearance of the tray, but everyone wonders why they are even there.
6) Which brings us to Newt Gingrich – Newt is the corned beef of this election – a former Speaker of the House from the mid Nineties, who was despised, humiliated, and left for dead by his adversaries. But Newt experienced a rebirth – like a slab of corned beef.   He was a bad cut of beef which was thrown into a zip lock bag with some spices and salts, sealed up, and forgotten. Years later, the pickled beef was reopened and found to have transformed into a tender delicacy. However; corned beef is not for everyone. But you do know what you’re getting when you ask for it.
So unless the butcher unexpectedly delivers a new order, it appears unlikely that steak will make this year’s GOP menu. We know peanut butter is less filling, but you don’t want to live on it.  We considered the supreme pizza but cancelled the order when we heard the rumor of a fly in the pie. And that leaves us with turkey, corned beef, or condiment garnish from which to choose.
Or you can always reorder the “Hope and Change” tofu platter being brought back from last election’s menu. But remember, you tried that once. And either the”hope” or the “change”- maybe both –  had gone bad. The taste and texture wasn’t what had been advertised.  Remember,  it was a taste which you wanted to rid from your palate – but couldn’t seem to get rid of that rancid tang fast enough. Remember!
So with that thought in mind, corned beef, anyone?